


rest with me (i can see you need it)

by mantisbelle



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Difficult Adjustment Periods, F/M, Past Felix | Isaac Gates/Locus | Samuel Ortez, Pre-Relationship, RvB Rare Pair Week, locus is with the reds and blues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24208579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mantisbelle/pseuds/mantisbelle
Summary: "Well, you might as well try to be comfortable.""I am comfortable.""Liar." Carolina teased as she stretched her legs out in front of her. "You're barely even putting in an effort to be comfortable right now.""I'm fine."
Relationships: Agent Carolina/Locus | Samuel Ortez
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26
Collections: Red vs. Blue Rare Pair Week





	rest with me (i can see you need it)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BoxOnTheNile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoxOnTheNile/gifts).



> For Nile, who has always been a great fandom friend. I hope you like it friend!

Locus couldn't pretend as though he was anywhere near used to the new close quarters that being around the Reds and Blues created. Of course, he just wasn't used to being around so many people at once to begin with and that had a great deal to do with his discomfort. The proximity was an issue just as much as the quantity was.

The _other_ part was that he was being kept on a short leash that he wasn't going to be able to get off of anytime soon, if ever. If the Reds and Blues were doing something, he was expected to be there with them. He was meant to attend every meal, every training session, every movie night. Should they go off on one of their hare-brained adventures, he would be expected to go along with them too.

He wasn't used to it.

He didn't feel like he'd _ever_ be used to it.

Adjusting to life outside of his ship, or away from Felix, or with people in general was _hard._ He'd done a poor job of adjusting to life after the war years before, and by comparison being a civilian almost felt _easy._

It was one of the Reds and Blues' weekly movie nights. They were probably going to be watching something that all of the Reds and Blues had seen a hundred times over at that point. Locus didn't know that he wanted to see it again, but also knew better than to argue against it or to the try and get out of the engagement. There may have very well only been the one ancient DVD copy of Reservoir Dogs, and apparently no interest in procuring a second film.

When there was no room on the couches, Locus sat down on the floor, his head rested back against an armrest and him mostly facing away from the television. He was tired and mostly wanted a chance to rest, not that the Reds or Blues were going to allow him to do as much. At least once the movie started they would mostly leave him alone to his own devices.

Simmons and Grif made themselves comfortable on the lumpy patch worked couch. Wash was sandwiched between Caboose and Tucker, and Sarge and Donut had made themselves comfortable on a blanket next with a bottle of wine that the two of them were passing back and forth between them.

Carolina arrived late, but Locus tried to pay her no mind. She was more than capable of finding a place to get comfortable without any sort of outside interference.

But then she seated herself beside him, although she oriented herself towards the television with a bit more care than Locus had personally bothered with. He said nothing, just let his eyes slip shut and crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to get comfortable. It was only a matter of time before he was sick of sitting on the floor, or before his tailbone began to hurt.

He'd stay for the full movie, but Locus didn't expect to enjoy it much. He never did.

"You seem excited." Carolina said teasingly. "Don't like Reservoir Dogs?"

"Not particularly." Locus grumbled. There was a sequence involving a razor blade, torture, and someone's face that Locus found particularly difficult to watch. He didn't let the others know, but he imagined that some of them had managed to figure out his discomfort with it. All any of them had to do was take one look at his face to know why.

Carolina gave him an odd little pitying look. "And you don't feel like you can leave, right?"

Locus didn't confirm her question one way or another. It was better not to bring it up.

She shook her head though, and tried to make herself comfortable where she was. "Well, you might as well try to be comfortable."

"I am comfortable."

"Liar." Carolina teased as she stretched her legs out in front of her. "You're barely even putting in an effort to be comfortable right now."

"I'm fine."

And then all at once, Carolina was leaning against him, resting her head back against Locus' shoulder. He snapped his eyes open in alarm at the contact and gave Carolina a _look_ because it had come so unexpectedly. "You're my pillow now." Carolina told him, letting out a little amused snort.

"Right." Locus said, feeling so uneasy that he didn't know what he was even supposed to say to Carolina at that point. Why was she choosing to lean back against _him_ when there were so many better options? People that she was close to, people that wanted to be there, people that had snacks beside them that they would have likely gladly shared?

Why him?

"You know." Carolina began to tease him gently. "It'll probably be more comfortable for both of us if you let yourself relax a little."

Easier said than done, Locus thought but didn't dare say out loud. He tried to force himself to relax, but it didn't come easily because it never had and he knew better than to let himself get false hopes over an easier time watching the movie being possible.

Carolina tilted her head though, just enough so that she'd be able to look up at Locus and his expression. "You're okay with this?" Carolina asked.

"Yes." Locus grit out the blatant lie. Carolina didn't need to know just how little he was enjoying it. If Carolina wanted to know such a thing, then she could go ahead and figure it out for herself.

"Liar." Carolina said as she tried to make herself a little more comfortable. There was a pleasant scent to her hair— something fruity and loaded with coconut, although still undeniably chemical. "You wouldn't be so tense if you were okay with it."

"Maybe not." He grumbled back, tilting his head away from Carolina's so that he could try and rest. "But I know that you won't be leaving me alone."

"Maybe not." Carolina teased, just as the movie began to play. "You don't have to let me do this, you do know that right?"

Locus swallowed, and he felt the way that she shifted her head to look back at him. "I don't have anywhere else to be."

"You don't have to do this." Carolina repeated again, just to get it through his head. Locus let his eyes open and looked back at her. There was an odd softness to her, one that Locus didn't know how to confront.

She shot him a soft smile. "You want to go to bed instead of be here?"

"Short leash." Locus answered. "Don't have much of a choice."

"I guess not." Carolina said as she nudged at his arm. "Come on, get up."

"What?"

"You're going to bed." Carolina replied with an eyeroll. "And if you're so worried about having someone to babysit you, then I'll come with you."

Locus stood up tall and eyed Carolina, not sure what to say. There was something there, some strange undercurrent to her suggestion that he couldn't find the right way to address or confront. Something vague and unknown and _terrifying_ , and Locus didn't even know whether Carolina realized it or not.

He swallowed. "Babysit isn't the best word."

"But it is what I'm doing at the end of the day, isn't it?" Carolina said as she rolled up into a standing position and offered Locus her hand. "Come on."

He eyed it like it was the most dangerous thing in the world.

"Don't make me turn it into an order." Carolina deadpanned and it made a part of Locus go _numb_ even thinking about it. He was done with orders, and Carolina knew that just as well as Washington or any of the other Reds and Blues did. Locus didn't want to be the one blindly following orders anymore. He didn't want to follow orders at all, really. Not after Hargrove. Not after Felix. Not after Chorus.

Without any other option, Locus took her hand as she'd requested and let Carolina drag him through the halls of Blue Base and to a room that he'd never been in before.

It was Carolina's room, obviously. It was too organized to be anyone else's, was Locus' first thought. The small amount of exercise equipment tucked away in the corner only compounded that thought. It didn't have clothes draped over it like he would have found in some of the other rooms around the two bases. Everything was kept up and cared for, clean and neat and organized with military precision.

He stayed by the door, not sure whether or not he actually wanted to go further in because it would be so _awkward_. She'd invited him, but was that actually enough? Did she actually want him there? Would it have been better for him to turn and go back to the movie night to sit by and quietly try to rest?

Was there some element to what Carolina was doing that he was _missing?_

Locus was genuinely unsure, and it scared the hell out of him.

"Alright." Carolina said as she approached the bed. "You don't have to seem so nervous about this, you know that right?"

"I shouldn't be here."

"Nonsense." Carolina replied. "You know you can't just go back to your ship anyways, and you're supposed to be with me, Wash, or one of the Reds and Blues at all times. That was the parole agreement we made."

The phrase _hostage situation_ came to mind, completely unbidden. Locus had only ever been on the side of such a situation as the one holding someone hostage, although he supposed that parts of his relationship with Felix had felt like a hostage situation from time to time.

And yet, somehow what Carolina was offering him felt so dangerous that he almost didn't know what to do with himself. It was crossing too many lines, surely.

They were _enemies._ Just because Locus was there, living in close quarters with the Reds and Blues and sharing meals with them and even fighting on the same side didn't change that. Nothing could ever take back Chorus, nothing could ever make Locus sure that he was anything but a villain in the Reds and Blues' eyes.

It was what made being there so _frustrating._

Locus couldn't look at anything done around him and think that it was anything other than a bold-faced lie.

He glanced away from Carolina, not sure what to say anymore.

"I can sleep on the floor." He grumbled. He'd survived worse situations than sleeping on the floor. A life of military service, and then mercenary work had left Locus accustomed to all manner of less than spectacular accommodations. Even his attempt at civilian life had been under less than ideal circumstances.

Carolina squinted at him. "You realize that I'm offering you better than that?" She asked him, like she wasn't certain whether Locus had missed something.

He needed his boundaries. That was all that there was.

Letting Carolina rest her head on his shoulder had been nice for a moment, but it had crossed too many lines. It was too much and he didn't know how he was meant to handle any of it.

"I realize that." Locus finally managed to get out, still feeling too uptight. "I'm refusing."

Carolina's expression seemed to sink as what Locus meant sank in. "If you insist.' She replied, pulling the blankets up over her legs. "I don't have extra bedding. Are you sure you don't want a pillow?"

"it's fine."

"It's really not." Carolina replied. "Since you're technically a guest here."

"Prisoner." Locus corrected, finding a patch of floor to sit down on. He glanced around the room and tried to find the best part of the wall to rest back against. It would be far from comfortable, but Locus could find _a lot_ of comfort in knowing that he'd experienced so much worse. He was a prisoner. He didn't deserve any better than the floor.

Carolina sighed quietly. "You're really sticking with this, aren't you? Even when Grif seems to think you're his best friend, and Caboose is trying to get you to join us for dinner most days?"

Locus didn't let himself look back at her. "It's a glorified house arrest." He mumbled, just loud enough that Carolina could hear him. "None of the Reds and Blues' feelings about the matter this change that fact."

She sighed sadly and then she was getting out of bed, pulling a pillow off of the bed and bringing a scratchy looking blanket along with her before she dropped into place beside Locus. "Come on." She said as she tossed the blanket in his face. Locus squinted as he batted it away from him. Carolina just shot him flat look in return that made Locus give in and lay the blanket across his lap in an act of appeasement.

Without asking anything else, Carolina was offering Locus her pillow.

He sighed and looked at it before he rested it against his shoulder in a perfect place where Carolina could rest against it if she chose. "I'll be your pillow." Locus grumbled. "Please just let me rest."

Carolina gently tugged the blanket over herself as she settled at Locus' side, careful not to remove it from Locus in the process. "I just want you to know that you don't have to punish yourself like this." She told him truthfully. "Because I can tell that's what you're doing. You aren't letting yourself enjoy being here at all, even though you know that everyone else wants you to be able to feel like you can relax at least a little."

Locus swallowed hard. "It's a prison sentence." He said carefully, a little too slowly and a little too intentionally. "I can't allow myself to lose sight of that fact. It's not supposed to be fun or enjoyable. Pretending like it should be is… naïve."

She settled against Locus' side, her head on the pillow against Locus' shoulder. "Are you afraid of enjoying it?"

"I'm just not supposed to." Locus replied. "I should be off fighting. Looking for justice, not…" He grit his teeth. " _Here._ Watching movies, or any of that." He didn't allow himself to move, even if he wanted so badly to get away from Carolina and her touch and her _everything._ He couldn't let himself move, in keeping with the terms of his imprisonment.

A short leash. That was what his life had become. It was all that his life would ever be, from there on out.

How was he supposed to pretend as though he was _content?_ As though he wasn't struggling to hold himself together?

Carolina let out a slow breath, and for just a moment Locus felt one of her hands on his arm in an attempt to offer him some sort of comfort. "Maybe that's true." Carolina said. "And maybe the chance to go off and do those things will come up again for you, and the rest of us will come and do the same."

He kept his mouth shut about how the Reds and Blues joining him on a mission like Carolina was suggesting would likely end _poorly._

"You can't live like you're just waiting for the next mission though." Carolina said quietly. "You know just as well as I do that living like that takes over your life."

Bitter guilt rose up in Locus' throat, so bitter and potent that he didn't have any real way to try and ignore it. That had been his life, for all too long. Living from mission to mission, concerned only with when the next job wold come and what it would be and how he was meant to navigate it. He'd lost himself to that lifestyle entirely, and Locus couldn't let himself forget it. Not even for a second.

But still sitting around doing _nothing_ sat so wrong that Locus couldn't just forget he was frustrated by it.

Carolina's hand rested on his arm though, soft and warm despite the calluses on her palms that had formed over years of handling weapons. Locus couldn't remember the last time that someone had touched in like that.

It let him with a horrible uneasiness.

"Just try to go with things." Carolina mumbled to him. "That's all anyone is asking for."

"It's not that simple."

"We want to see you recover." Carolina rebutted before Locus could say anything else. "All of us do. _I_ want to see you able to recover."

And there was that horrible feeling again, bitter in his throat. "I'm not recovering—" He began to protest almost immediately, like he was back in a meeting with a psychiatrist whose only purpose was to deem him unfit for further service. "I'm _fine."_

If there was _any_ reaction that Locus didn't know how to handle from Carolina in that moment, it was the sad pitying look that she gave him. She could see straight through him, and he _hated_ it because it left him weak in a way that he was never quite ready to experience.

He'd never worn vulnerability well or with any sense of ease.

"It's okay." Carolina mumbled back. "To admit that things aren't okay, you do know that right?" She stared at him with those bright green eyes of hers, so intense that Locus felt like he'd been turned transparent as Carolina looked directly through him. "None of us are really okay. Nobody here can judge you for…"

Her voice trailed off, and it was then that Locus knew that she'd realized her own lie.

They absolutely had _every_ right to judge Locus. They would have had to have been more foolish than they were to _not_ judge him. People like him _only_ deserved to be judged.

Locus chose a spot on the ceiling and he focused on it, because that way he could feel at least somewhat separate from the woman that had made herself so at home against his shoulder. "You don't have to lie to yourself, Agent Carolina." Locus said slowly. "I know what I am, and where I belong."

Carolina sighed. "Are you going to turn yourself in?"

"I can't fix anything from here." Locus said, shrugging. "Or from inside of a cell. As long as the key is bound to me—" His voice trailed off. It would be until he died. He knew that just as well as the rest of them did. Locus had only gotten the key as a matter of it claiming the lives of two men before him.

One, a man who he'd played ally to.

The other, a man who had played along as his own ally.

"That's what you think your life will be then?" Carolina asked, her voice too quiet. "You'll serve."

Locus shrugged. "There's nothing else that I can do besides rot. I'll do my duty to the key because it is the only thing I have left that I can do. And because I owe it to Chorus to… use it properly."

"You can't save the universe."

"I know."

"You're going to need to be able to rest sometimes."

"I know."

Of course he would need to rest from time to time. There were guaranteed to be times where Locus would be too injured to even consider going on before he'd healed enough physically. His intention for when those times came was to hide out on board A'rynasea and stick to uncommon routes to maintain his own safety.

But the Reds and Blues would never allow that from him. Nobody in their right mind would _ever_ think that an alien ship was an ideal recovery ward. There were even studies about healing in artificial gravity environments that suggested that certain types of injuries were actually prevented from healing properly. Locus could see it, issues of pressure and weight and everything else.

A ship like A'rynasea could simulate a hundred things, but it would never properly emulate the environment of Earth or any other planet for that matter.

Carolina nudged him. "So where are you going to rest?" She asked. "If fighting on endlessly really is your plan?"

Locus shrugged. He had A'rynasea, and just about nowhere else. What was there that he could say on that matter? What did she want for him to say? Maybe he _did_ know what Carolina wanted to say to him. She wanted him to say that he'd come back to Iris, because that way the Reds and Blues would be able to keep an eye on him. That had to be it.

Or maybe she wanted him to come back to Iris because the day would eventually come where he walked straight into a Chorusan trap at a time where he was already tired or hurt or otherwise unable to go on.

"I have my ship." Locus offered. "A'rynasea is more than equipped to act as my living quarters on a temporary basis."

"And when you need to refuel?" Carolina prodded on. "Or when you need to heal? Or when you need to get supplies and rations so that you can go back to it? Where will you rest then?"

Locus swallowed hard. "You want my promise—"

"I want to know that you'll take care of yourself." Carolina cut him off before Locus could finish what he was saying. "Because I don't know if I can call you a friend, or if the Reds and Blues could do that either. But you have become an ally."

"I'm a prisoner." Locus rebutted. "Not an _ally_."

Carolina gave him a pitying look. "You'll keep on telling yourself that forever, won't you? That you don't deserve any of this."

Locus let out a low breath, so tense that his hands had balled into fists without him even realizing it. "I don't deserve this." He replied. "That's not me telling myself anything. It's a fact."

Carolina eyed him. "And you don't think its possible that it's a misguided idea?"

"I can't look at it that way." Locus said. "I'm trying my hardest to keep sight of where I am and what I'm doing. That's why I can't be here. That's why I can't play along as a friend with the rest of you."

Carolina nodded slowly, her expression soft and solemn but just as determined as ever. Locus genuinely hoped that he'd never have to see that determination leave her entirely. She was too good to lose it to the universe. The universe needed people like her.

She shook her head. "So that's how it's going to be? Nothing that I say will be able to stop you?" She asked. "Even after I've already invited you into my bed? And after I've tried to make sure you're able to be comfortable."

He shrugged. "I think I'm only allowed to have things that are temporary right now. It isn't personal." Locus turned his head, and for just a moment he felt her soft hair against his face. She was so close to him, even though he was doing everything that he could to push her away for good. It was _easier_ if he didn't have places to go back to.

 _I just don't want to get attached,_ he didn't let himself say out loud. He'd never allow himself to say it out loud.

Burning bridges was a survival strategy as much as it was anything else. Locus had realized that years ago.

The bridge to the Reds and Blues was the only one he had left. That made it _dangerous._ It was so dangerous that Locus didn't know that he'd _ever_ be able to find a way to cope. Not with the universe being what it was, or with the amount of blood on his hands that he'd never be able to wash away no matter how hard he tried.

"You know that's not true." Carolina whispered into his ear, so soft and quiet that it made Locus' chest _hurt_ because she was right. "You need something that'll be consistent. Having a place to come home to isn't bad."

Locus swallowed. "And what happens when it can't be that?" He asked, deathly afraid of what Carolina's answer could be. "What then?"

"Then you serve your time." Carolina said. "We're giving you the chance to decide when you're ready for that. You know that one day you'll have to go back to Chorus. You may not think that day is today, and it might not be tomorrow, but it's going to come."

"And if I die in battle?"

"Then one of us takes the key back to where it belongs." Carolina mumbled. "Just don't make us have to do it because you've run yourself so ragged because you haven't had a place to go back to and rest." She went quiet, for just a moment. "I know that things are hard right now, and that you're having trouble adjusting. But this isn't a lost cause. Try to let yourself relax, at least for a little while."

"Fine."

"The universe will always need someone to save it, Locus." She whispered to him. "Now come on, I want to go to bed and you look like you need it yourself." With that Carolina was elbowing him in the ribs and pushing herself up to her feet. Locus followed along and all but mimicked Carolina's motions until he was laying down on the bed beside her.

It lasted all of a moment before she was cuddling up against him to rest her head on his shoulder.

"You're my pillow now." She said for the second time that night. "I hope that's okay."

"It's fine." Locus grumbled, closing his eyes and trying to relax enough that he could sleep. It wasn't easy, but it happened eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://arynasea.tumblr.com)   
>  [Fanfiction.net](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/8354812/)   
>  [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mantisbelle)   
> 


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